11 Parenting Moments That Will Mess With Your Mind (and Marriage)
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Having kids has done a lot of things to my marriage. Coitus interruptus, sleep-deprived fights, hormone-fueled hurled insults: yeah, having kids has kind of terrorized my marriage, actually.
Just kidding. Maybe.
But no doubt about it, my husband and I have gone through a few of these [slightly belittling] moments in our parental journey.
1. When you realize your partner is a way better parent than you.
And you kind of feel guilty about it, but at the same time, thank God someone knows what they are doing.
2. When you realize that you are fighting over absolutely nothing.
I mean, really. The things we have fought about are not only too embarrassing to admit to you, but actually are making me blush while sitting in my living room alone in the dark right now. Apparently having kids makes you have the mentality of a toddler, always.
3. When you really think about what has happened to your body.
My husband has watched four humans emerge from my body, caught two of them with his bare hands, carried me into a shower in the midst of a delirious postpartum fever, and actually milked me in an ER room at one particularly low point in my life. When I really pause to contemplate the horror show that having children has made out of my body, I just don’t even know what to say to the man. It’s almost downright amazing he’s not running away screaming.
4. When you realize that you’ve created an exact replica of yourself.
Sorry, spouse, but your daughters are basically mini-me’s of, well, me. If you need us, we’ll be curled up on a couch reading a book, thanks.
5. When you realize that you’ve created an exact replica of your partner.
The day is coming, very shortly, when my son will actually morph into a younger version of my husband and I’m already freaked out.
6. When you realize that you actually have no control whatsoever.
And you just hold hands and pray that the children don’t 1. figure it out and 2. gang up on both of you. Because honestly, they can take you both down faster than the baby’s naked sprint when you try to change her diaper.
7. When you find yourself humming tunes from your kids’ favorite shows.
And not only do you not laugh at each other, but one of you provide back-up while you do the dishes. Romance is not dead, guys.
8. When you slightly panic about date night.
OMG, what will we talk about?! Do we even like each other anymore?
9. When you calculate how much sleep the other has gotten.
Let’s see, the baby got up at 3 am and I was up for an hour and then the toddler peed his bed … hmmm, hey! You got ten more minutes of sleep than I did! The next dirty diaper is yours, buddy.
10. When you try to act totally casual when a kid walks in on you in the act.
The poor child has probably never had such a warm welcome in the middle of the night. What’s that, honey? You want some chicken nuggets? Why, sure! Anything for you! Mommy & Daddy were just hoping you would ask for a midnight snack!
11. When you finally have a moment alone …
And all you can do is talk about your kids. Darn those cute little brats.
Hacque adfabilitate confisus cum eadem postridie feceris, ut incognitus haerebis et repentinus, hortatore illo hesterno clientes numerando, qui sis vel unde venias diutius ambigente agnitus vero tandem et adscitus in amicitiam si te salutandi adsiduitati dederis triennio indiscretus et per tot dierum defueris tempus, reverteris ad paria perferenda, nec ubi esses interrogatus et quo tandem miser discesseris, aetatem omnem frustra in stipite conteres summittendo.
Consignes pour construire l'outils
Harum trium sententiarum nulli prorsus assentior. Nec enim illa prima vera est, ut, quem ad modum in se quisque sit, sic in amicum sit animatus. Quam multa enim, quae nostra causa numquam faceremus, facimus causa amicorum! precari ab indigno, supplicare, tum acerbius in aliquem invehi insectarique vehementius, quae in nostris rebus non satis honeste, in amicorum fiunt honestissime; multaeque res sunt in quibus de suis commodis viri boni multa detrahunt detrahique patiuntur, ut iis amici potius quam ipsi fruantur.
Commentaire
Post quorum necem nihilo lenius ferociens Gallus ut leo cadaveribus pastus multa huius modi scrutabatur. quae singula narrare non refert, me professione modum, quod evitandum est, excedamus.
Contexte de sens
Cumque pertinacius ut legum gnarus accusatorem flagitaret atque sollemnia, doctus id Caesar libertatemque superbiam ratus tamquam obtrectatorem audacem excarnificari praecepit, qui ita evisceratus ut cruciatibus membra deessent, inplorans caelo iustitiam, torvum renidens fundato pectore mansit inmobilis nec se incusare nec quemquam alium passus et tandem nec confessus nec confutatus cum abiecto consorte poenali est morte multatus. et ducebatur intrepidus temporum iniquitati insultans, imitatus Zenonem illum veterem Stoicum qui ut mentiretur quaedam laceratus diutius, avulsam sedibus linguam suam cum cruento sputamine in oculos interrogantis Cyprii regis inpegit.
Consignes pour construire l'outils
Inter haec Orfitus praefecti potestate regebat urbem aeternam ultra modum delatae dignitatis sese efferens insolenter, vir quidem prudens et forensium negotiorum oppido gnarus, sed splendore liberalium doctrinarum minus quam nobilem decuerat institutus, quo administrante seditiones sunt concitatae graves ob inopiam vini: huius avidis usibus vulgus intentum ad motus asperos excitatur et crebros.
Commentaire
Montius nos tumore inusitato quodam et novo ut rebellis et maiestati recalcitrantes Augustae per haec quae strepit incusat iratus nimirum quod contumacem praefectum, quid rerum ordo postulat ignorare dissimulantem formidine tenus iusserim custodiri.
Contexte de sens
Cyprum itidem insulam procul a continenti discretam et portuosam inter municipia crebra urbes duae faciunt claram Salamis et Paphus, altera Iovis delubris altera Veneris templo insignis. tanta autem tamque multiplici fertilitate abundat rerum omnium eadem Cyprus ut nullius externi indigens adminiculi indigenis viribus a fundamento ipso carinae ad supremos usque carbasos aedificet onerariam navem omnibusque armamentis instructam mari committat.
Consignes pour construire l'outils
Cyprum itidem insulam procul a continenti discretam et portuosam inter municipia crebra urbes duae faciunt claram Salamis et Paphus, altera Iovis delubris altera Veneris templo insignis. tanta autem tamque multiplici fertilitate abundat rerum omnium eadem Cyprus ut nullius externi indigens adminiculi indigenis viribus a fundamento ipso carinae ad supremos usque carbasos aedificet onerariam navem omnibusque armamentis instructam mari committat.
Commentaire
Cyprum itidem insulam procul a continenti discretam et portuosam inter municipia crebra urbes duae faciunt claram Salamis et Paphus, altera Iovis delubris altera Veneris templo insignis. tanta autem tamque multiplici fertilitate abundat rerum omnium eadem Cyprus ut nullius externi indigens adminiculi indigenis viribus a fundamento ipso carinae ad supremos usque carbasos aedificet onerariam navem omnibusque armamentis instructam mari committat.
